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tv   At Midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  March 25, 2015 2:07am-2:38am PDT

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host "the knightly show." ( laughter ) ( applause ) where do they get these ideas? can you imagine? that's terrible. finally, finally, i'm still worried about kentucky because if the wildcats win, i have to be baby-birded, which means another person will chew up food and spit it into my mouth. west virginia, i need you guys to wig win-- to win big on thursday. let me know which dare you hope i'll have to do. be nice, guys. follow us on twitter and use the hashtag "dare larry." good night, everyone
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>> chris: it's 11:59 and 59 seconds. this happened on instagram today. critics of this show will accuse of making broad stereotypes. in response to those broads we wanted to show you a video from italy with the nuance of their culture. i present "the pope gets a pizza." >> chris: he's got the pizza! ahhh! cheezus h. crust that's amazing. that's half cheese half poperonni. i love when they call him ill papa. >> that's alright. for 10:99 you get the pizza the holy hot wings with all of the
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crucifixions. i'm sorry we're going to hell. that video was coveted the most italian thing to happen ever. as the pope i would like to you be stow a blessing on the most pious pizza. >> in the name of the father the son and the holy crust. >> ben. >> in the name of the father son, and the holy pwao *e, how did he not get stopped by security. >> thank you. fortune. >> domino♪ avoid us the noyta♪ >> chris: taking me back to high school latin, thank you. it's it time to saturday captioning sponsored by comedy central "@midnight" welcome to @midnight. i'm chris chris hardwick. tonight's comedians fortune
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feimster. host of "idiotest" season 2 ben gleib. [cheers and applause] >> chris: and performing at up comedy club in chicago march 27th and 28th moshe kasher is here. [cheers and applause] >> chris: alright. ripped from today's internet headlines it's rapid refresh. [cheers and applause] >> chris: the graphic is still new. it's still fresh. when you thought the chevy malibu couldn't get anymore rad they inter introduced features for 2016 with new levels for parenting. it let's parents spy on their teens keeping them safe obt streets and unpopular in the streets. it turns down the radio.
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it issues warnings for speeds and sends parents a report card like a godstkapl narc. what features would your parents want on your car as a teen? >> my mom would be saying, are you sure you're a lesbian. >> chris: points. >> i am. [ applause ] >> chris: sure. >> my dad would get an alert when i -- sew would know when to high five me. i would of gotten zero alerts. >> chris: zero high fives. >> me and fortune would have gotten a whole bunch. >> chris: a hundred points to everyone for that. >> chris: today pointer net it was cried out in nerd-dom "the
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x-files are coming back"! the 90s sci-fi classic will return to fox for six episodes in the future. not to brag you have me to thank for this. gillian was on podcast where she drew the vagina in my guest book. >> yes. chris: here #xfiles2015 what happens? x files is coming back, interesting. very interesting. the hashtag that i started -- i'm sure they were working on it. i think it was a joint effort with others. i may of contributed to the return of x files i think i deserve a cameo on the show. i should be on the show, chris carter and company. comedians, this is going to definitely happen. what should my character be,
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fortune? >> chris, you would be agent smolder. an even hotter version of david ducovney. you're george as i right ladies. [cheers and applause] >> ya. chris: first of all i'm going to give you points. when you consider the possibility is it possible to think we're alone. i don't think so. the truth is out. there ben gleib? [laughing] >> molder and scully investigate chris the man who has not ages since 1994 and jenny mccarthy who has. >> chris: oh. >> just a little. chris: points. i should of been more spefrbg with the hashtag.
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hardwickonxfiles2015 make it happen i beg you. now it's time for the hashtag wars. [cheers and applause] [ applause ] >> chris: the top images today was a lesson in taxonomy captioned "ex girlfriends be like -- bobbers and drifters, squirters and grabbers, creepers and clingers." [laughing] >> chris: so for y'all breaking up with the creepers and the clingers and the squirters and grabbers. tonight's hashtag is my ex in five words. use my scotum as a pinata or [beep] many of my friends. >> wouldn't stop [beep]ing my
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dad. >> chris: points. ben. >> crazy -- hris: points. ben. >> pretty sure she's still missing. >> chris: points. moshe. >> ted cruz' with an oklahoma booty. >> chris: points. fortune. >> kept insisting she was pregnant. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> i don't know. i don't know how that happened. i don't know. >> chris: moshe. >> -- screamed free palestine during sex. >> chris: points. ben. >> mean, very mean. very mean. >> chris: points. moshe. >> is lord asshole one word or two? >> asshole, asshole, asshole. chris: points. that brings us to the hashtag
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wars. send us your tweet. our war was sent to us
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can a truck change how people feel about a guy? we talked to real people, not actors. we showed them two pictures of the same guy in the same location. the only difference... the vehicle behind him. which man is sexier? truck, truck truck that one has way more sex appeal. this guy is definitely the guy your mom wants you to marry. and this is the guy your going to run off to and leave him, to be with him. you know you want a truck. the all new chevy colorado. motor trend's 2015 truck of the year. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> chris: welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play failorama. failorama. taking photos in panorama mode is perfect for capturing
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precious moments when you don't quite understand how to take a panoramic photo. i'm going to show you a panoramic photo fail. caption it this summer memory. fortune. >> think that's a half nelson. the other half is doug. >> chris: points. well done. >> chris: next one this torso head. moshe. >> well it took awhile can i finally [beep] my own dick. >> chris: points. [laughing] >> chris: fortune. >> hey mods are down here. [laughing] >> chris: next one. >> this tub of man parts. oh. oh. oh i don't -- oh.
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>> welcome to the hotel robert durst. >> chris: points. >> i mean i may of rearranged a man's body -- i don't remember. >> chris: moshe. >> computer there is a problem with the bathtub in transporter room 3. >> chris: points, points. >> it seems that wesley did not come out right. finally someone has a worst patrick stuart impression than me. >> last one. >> this lazy boy this. lazy boy. [laughing] >> chris: you guys remember catdog? [cheers and applause] >> whatever you do, don't fart.
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chris: points. ben. >> i really need to do some man scaping. >> chris: fortune. >> i'll just wear a skirt. chris: points. end of failorama. time for the next game confession or impression. [ applause ] >> chris: i'm going to blow your mind. the internet isn't just for cats and porn. it's a wonderful place to share your talents. i have a still image for 250 points. is a person delivering a terrible confession or a terrible impression. this future bachelor applicant. what is his confession or impression. >> confession. hris: let's find out. >> my announcement is i secretly love pretzels and cheese. >> i was wrong. he's doing an impression of a
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huge loser. >> chris: you know -- >> i'm kidding if you are watching. you're a great guy. #nobullying. >> i guarantee that has more views than sketches i have put into. >> chris: confession or impression? >> confession. hris: let's see. >> my mom -- [laughing] [laughing] >> oh, man. >> you really do never know what you are going to get. [laughing] >> you can tell that's the only impression that guy does. there is no way he's pulling out a patrick stuart after that. >> don: next one.
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this outdoors man, confession or impression. moshe? >> confession. hris: let's see. >> yo, mr. dwight. jessy what's cooking? [laughing] [laughing] >> hey, yo. i think i look enough like aaron paul to say, mr. whites, that's how you do it jessy pinkman! >> [cheers and applause] >> are people aware that impressions are not just saying the words of the character? >> be fare he was on quite a bit of meth to think that was good. >> chris: fist bump buddy confession or impression. >> definitely a confession of something terrible. >> chris: the correct answer is -- both. he's doing a impression of
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usher's confession. ♪ >> whoa. >> yes, yes. those in the audience were correct. he's standing in front of a poster of himself. [cheers and applause] >> chris: that's the end of confession or impression. it's time for the live challenge. three in the stink. >> three. chris: three in the stink? three. i'm afraid three maybe one too many in the stink. >> it depends if you're from england or germany. this one is harder. >> if you do. your parents get an alert if you are driving the chevy. >> chris: sometimes an image exists that makes you look back and think what was in that
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[beep] brownie. this was trending on twitter. look, there it is! it is not often that jack hanna is the normal one in the picture. >> and this fenik fox is thinking i wish i was in an actual cage instead of here. whatever this is, is the movie. please give me the pitch of the movie with nick loss pa *eupblg billy bob and a fenik fox. we will get that after the break. >> chris: after months of thousands of #winners we have a winner. tomorrow night who is the winner, tune in tomorrow @midnight to find out. everybody wants to switch to t-mobile. but your carrier has you locked up paying off a phone. not anymore!
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t-mobile can set you free. now we'll pay off your phone. yep! you heard us. every last cent. stuck in a contract. we've got you covered there too. why wait, ditch your carrier... and switch to the un-carrier™ today. and do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband to have and to hold, for better or worse, in sickness and in health... i can't! what? lisa wait! pffff oh god! ♪ ♪ taxes are your year, only much simpler. you can handle simpler. intuit turbotax. it's amazing what you're capable of.
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[bell rings] you're not mr. craig. yeah, i'm confused where's mr. craig? well, i'm sorta mr. craig. we're both between 35 and 45 years old. we both like to save money on car insurance. and we're both really good at teaching people a lesson. um, let's go. cool. sit down! alright. sorta you, isn't you. only esurance has coveragemyway. it helps make sure you only pay for what's right for you not someone sorta like you. i think i blacked out from fear... did we ask him where mr. craig was? we did. esurance. backed by allstate. click or call. (water running) (bear roaring) nature smells great! ♪ old spice whistle [cheers and applause]
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>> chris: welcome back to @midnight. before the break i showed you this amazing picture of nicholas cage, billy bob and a fox. what did you come up with. >> he is a scrappy male who hunts rodents for meals until he comes across billy bob thornton and a fox. >> chris: yes. >> great idea two gay veterinarians that adopt a fox to save their marriage. yes. >> chris: mosh aoefrplt. >> you will love this. two aging hollywood stars [beep] a fox to death. we are calling this the fantastic mr. [beep]. [laughing] >> chris: alright. i am giving everyone 5000 points. [cheers and applause] >> is that the highest ever?
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chris: it's time for spring break regrets. spring break regrets. [cheers and applause] >> chris: we are deep in the throws of the annual spring break ritual where college students descend on daytona beach and cancun. memories and stds to last a lifetime. regrettably many of us have been there. actually i didn't go to a cool spring break stuff in college. that's when i started to work for mtv. nothing even happened at that point. i want to you give me as many spring break regrets as you possibly can. begin. >> entering the wet underpants contest. >> chris: points. moshe. >> tossing the beads at my mom. chris: points. ben. >> one room 12 dudes. chris: fortune. >> putting those ping pong balls in my vagina.
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>> chris: ben. >> thrusting him when he said he wasn't a guy. >> not getting good with girls until a decade after spring break. >> blowing my guy friends because it's now awkward. >> signing the release for jews gone wild. >> agreeing to appear in the donkey show. >> going wild in front of that camera. >> inviting robert durst on my speed boat. >> blowing all my guy friends now it's just awkward. >> chris: ben. fortune. >> using miracle whip as sun screen. >> chris: points. that is the end of spring break regrets. ben she just got by you by an inch. faster on the buzzer. ben, third place. we have to eliminate. sosorry any last words. >> i'm fine with this i clean
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myself bathing in red lights. >> chris: you do. you're about to get very clean, my friend. red lights. the send. >> alright. that means it's time for old fashioned justice. it's for the win. [cheers and applause] >> chris: listen. cops, we are trying to help you. okay. you're not making it easy. you're having a tough couple of years. then you hand deliver jokes set up like this. ya a cop driving into a [beep] stkoe nutdonut shop. come on guys, what are you doing? the challenge for this one we assume the driver was trying to pick up sergeant bakers dozen. i want you to give me the message that dunkin driver gave to headquarters. we have your answers when we come back on @midnight.
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i already feel like we're the most connected but i think this solo date will seal the deal. sure! i offer multi-car, safe driver, and so many other discounts that people think i'm a big deal. and boy, are they right. ladies, i can share hundreds in savings with all of you! just visit today. but right now, it's choosing time. ooh! we have a winner. all: what? [chuckles] he's supposed to pick one of us. this is a joke, right? that was the whole point of us being here.
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♪ the precision blades are the same... ♪ but shaving never will be. ♪ fusion proglide - rebuilt with flexball technology. makes maximum contact over tricky contours and gets virtually every hair. proglide blades improved by flexball technology. 1 refill gets you up to 1 month of shaves. gillette the best a man can get. [cheers and applause] >> welcome back to @midnight. it's time for the win. wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe. yes, i will read your answers
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allowed. you will decide the winner in the audience. before the break i showed you this picture of a police officer crashing into a dunkindo nuts. i asked for your maysage back to headquarters. >> this is sergeant head wilcox. i'm in heave, in heaven i repeat do not send back up. [cheers and applause] >> chris: or. or. >> this is car 34 reporting a cliche in progress. oeufrpbg oeufrpbg we are also pigs. [cheers and applause] oink oink. >> chris: number two, who was moshe. see you guys tomorrow night. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] >> chris: good night!
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- les: ♪ i'm goin' down ♪ ♪ to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks ♪ ♪ without temptation ♪ - les: ♪ goin' down ♪ ♪ to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking ♪ ♪ day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting ♪ ♪ "howdy, neighbor" ♪ - les: ♪ headin' on up ♪ ♪ to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - kenny: [muffled singing] - les: ♪ come on down ♪ ♪ to south park ♪ ♪ and ♪ and
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